A good mom is ugly

I almost forgot what differentiates a mom from a monster, until I saw the cover of Us Weekly. Thank goodness for the before and after pictures of Kate Gosselin. It really cleared things up for me.

MOM: She is unattractive. She has no time to care for herself because she devotes her entire life to her children. She is completely selfless and can never do enough for her kids. She is overweight and frumpy.

MONSTER: She is attractive. She takes care of her physical appearance, even if it means taking some time for herself. She enjoys being stylish. She gets her hair cut and colored, wears make-up and accessories, and is in shape.

I am aware that there is more to this story than Kate's "makeover" (i.e., Kate is a monster because she fires staff members for irrational reasons and supposedly ignores her children). But what is the cover of this magazine actually saying about gender roles and motherhood? Two thirds of the cover is plastered with side by side images of Kate and a huge, yellow title reading, "MOM TO MONSTER". The first image, labeled "before," shows a picture of Kate looking out of shape and out of style. This image was taken before, when she was a "mom." The second image, labeled "after," shows a picture of Kate looking in shape and in style. This is how a "monster" looks. A "mom" would never care about her appearance.

The cover also claims that Kate has a sick obsession with her appearance. I suppose that's the purpose of the "after" picture. Hmm, a hair style and sunglasses...that is sick! Any mom who gets her hair styled and wears sunglasses is obviously a narcissistic, self-absorbed monster who is obsessed with her appearance. Real moms don't care about such things. Real moms only care about their children, and nothing else.

I find it completely inappropriate for Us Weekly to publish such a cover. If they want to call her a monster, so be it. For all I know, she might be the meanest person in the world. And she might be a terrible mother. And she might actually be totally obsessed with her looks. (But if Kate wearing sunglasses with a modern hairstyle is the best example of her being obsessed with her appearance, that's sad. Quite a stretch.)

HOWEVER, the cover simply perpetuates gender roles of mothers. The magazine clearly, and purposefully, labels the frumpy picture as "mom" and the stylish picture as "monster." When someone walks by and glances at the cover, this is the message they will get: ugly woman was a good mom; attractive woman is a monster. And that's exactly the message the magazine wants to send. They couldn't have made it any clearer.

This cover reminds me of a chapter in He's a Stud, She's a Slut. And 49 Other Double Standards Every Woman Should Know, by Jessica Valenti. The chapter is titled He's Superdad, She's Shittymom. It really pinpoints what society expects a mother to be. Valenti writes, "Moms can never really do enough. They can never be too selfless, too devoted, or too giving....They can never be perfect- though that's what society demands of them."

Valenti also cites the book The Mommy Myth: The Idealization of Motherhood and How It Has Undermined Women, by Susan J. Douglas and Meredith W. Michaels. Douglas and Michaels refer to the the impossible-to-meet standards for mothers as "new momism." They write, "...to be a remotely decent mother, a woman has to devote her entire physical, psychological, emotional, and intellectual being, 24/7, to her children." Us Weekly obviously subscribes to this belief.

The chapter is really about the parenting double standard. Women are expected to do everything, and give everything, for their children. Anything less would make her a bad mom. But men can show up to a couple of baseball games or read a few bedtime stories, and they are great dads.

Take another look at the cover, and pretend that Jon Gosselin was the subject. His before picture was of him being overweight and outdated- just generally unattractive. This image would be considered him looking like a "dad." And the after picture would be him with a hairstyle, wearing sunglasses, and looking healthy. This image would be him as a "monster."

That cover wouldn't make sense. Because a good father can be attractive. It's socially acceptable. Nobody expects men to sacrifice their entire lives to his kids. Nobody expects men to let themselves go in the name of their children.

And look at the subtitles, and apply them to Jon:

"Fired 40 staff members in 3 months" --- I can already hear it now: What a good dad. He really cares about the welfare of his children and will only tolerate the best. His children are so important and precious to him, he is extremely picky about the staff he hires to help out. He only wants the best for his children. After all, you can never be too careful.

"Stayed out at dinner while son went to the emergency room" Men, and probably women, would be hurling excuses left and right: Well, I'm sure his mother was with him. It was probably just something minor, and it wasn't necessary to be there. It could have been a very important business dinner, and he couldn't just leave. He rarely gets a night out, and the mom was taking care of it. I bet he didn't even know his son was in the ER until after he was done with dinner.

"Sick obsession with money, freebies, & his appearance" Men are allowed all of these things. Being obsessed with money makes a man successful and a hard worker. Being obsessed with freebies makes him practical. Being obsessed with his appearance makes him handsome, desirable, and the complete package. In fact, an obsession with all three of these things would make him a good catch. A perfect dad- successful, practical, and handsome. A monster wouldn't be any of these things.

Could it be that Kate is now a "monster" because she is acting too much like a man? Is her behavior only acceptable for a father? Should she get back in the kitchen and bake something for her family? Stop caring about money and appearance and concentrate on all things domestic?

I would also like to point out just one more thing- Jon is alleged to be cheating on Kate. Somehow, the media has taken Jon's side and says Kate drove him to it. He's unfaithful, but it's her fault. Of course. A man can't be to blame for anything.

BOYCOTT and GIRLCOTT these clothing stores!

American Appearal:

Claiming to be "sweatshop-free," American Apparel exploits women instead. Ads resemble amateur porn, plus owner Dov Charney proudly masturbated in front of a Jane Magazine reporter eight times while she was researching an article about him. Charney says, "Of course, the women are sexualized in the images, but I don't think anything's wrong with that. It's not just about being socially conscious, it's about being a profitable company." (oneangrygirl.net)

Ecko Manufacturing:

This is one of the most disgusting campaigns I have ever seen.

Ecko's Mission Statement:
At Ecko Manufacturing we do things differently, we make jeans with love. And just look at our employees! This is manufacturing on an entirely new level. We only hire the sexiest women on the planet because as everyone knows, hot girls make great clothes. Ecko MFG supplies the world with denim of unsurpassed quality. Every pair of jeans comes to the customer from the gentle, smooth hands of a highly skilled employee, who has injected every inch of the garment with love.

Love, sex, and jeans. What else do you need, really??

Not nauseated yet?
WATCH THIS! YOU WILL BE OUTRAGED! http://www.youtube.com/eckoMFG

I encourage everyone to read the full article about this ad campaign:
http://www.whereamiwearing.com/travel/hot-girls-make-great-clothes.html

If you’re offended by this you should contact Ecko Manufacturing and let them know. eckomfg@ecko.com; 917-262-1002 (ask for Ecko Manufacturing)

Abercrombie & Fitch:

In Abercrombie World, college-age girls are cheerfully slutty (shirts that say: "You’re at the Top of My To-Do List" and "This Shirt Would Look Great on Your Floor"); meanwhile, their male counterparts make rotten boyfriends (shirts that say: "I’ll Call I Swear" and "You Can Fake It But I Can Fake An Entire Relationship").

The company got into some trouble in late 2005 for marketing the following tees to younger girls:
-"Blondes Are Adored, Brunettes Are Ignored"
-"I Make You Look Fat"
-"Who Needs Brains When You Have These?"

These were discontinued after successful girlcott by Women and Girls Foundation of Southwest Pennsylvania.

You may also recall the thongs for preteens, imprinted with the phrase "Eye Candy."

Lately, they have switched to the non-controversial “appearance comes first” mindset for their younger female target market, with shirts that say "Stressed Out From Shopping" and "I Am What I Wear." (oneangrygirl.net)

The TRUTH about stripping and porn

How many times am I going to have to hear a man say, "Strippers like their job. They are proud of their bodies and are confident with themselves." How many times I am going to have to hear, "women in porn just enjoy having sex."

Men like to entertain the delusion that the women they are paying for actually like them. The woman giving me a lap dance loves this because I am so hot and sexually stimulating. She is so turned on by me. She loves getting nude and rubbing all over my body.

I mean, what kind of a fantasy would it be if they let themselves believe the truth? I am just sitting here, like hundreds of men before me, and she is dancing and taking off her clothes because I had to pay her to do so. She is just going through the motions and is probably thinking about how disgusting I am all the while.

When men watch porn, it's obviously more arousing to imagine that the woman is totally into it. Oh yeah, she loves getting her hair pulled and taking it up the ass. She doesn't need any kind of foreplay, whatsoever. As soon as he puts in his magic penis, she is nearly at an orgasm. Everything he does, no matter how rough, aggressive or degrading, is turning her on. Man, what I would do to her if she were here right now. She would be in heaven.

I don't know how well a man could masturbate to these thoughts: Hmm, I wonder if she was raped as a child? Did she used to curl up in the fetal position every night and cry herself to sleep? Is she currently strung out right now just so she can get through this shoot? Will she contract HIV soon? Does she drink everyday of her life because she hates what she is doing? Is she clinically depressed? Is she thinking that she hates her life every second that guy is touching her?

No matter how many times I hear that there just are women out there who like doing what they are doing in the sex industry, and are completely mentally stable, I am skeptical. If these women do exist, they are very rare. And I personally can't wrap my head around it.

For the majority of strippers and porn stars, having sex and taking off their clothes isn't a dream come true. It's a result of a traumatizing past.

According to University of Pennsylvania psychologist Mary Anne Layden, between 60 and 80 percent of nude dancers were raped or sexually abused as children. (Dr. Layden is Director of Education, Center for Cognitive Therapy, Department of Psychiatry, University of Pennsylvania, Philadelphia, PA; and Director, Social Action Committee for Women's Psychological Health, Philadelphia.) Excerpt from 'If pornography made us healthy, we would be healthy by now,' by Dr. Mary Anne Layden:

"Most strippers, as with other women who work in the sex industry, are adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse. Research indicates the number is between60%-80%. One study found that 35% of strippers have Multiple Personality Disorder, 55% had Borderline Personality Disorder, and 60% had Major Depressive Episodes, These are severe psychiatric problems and many of them are connected to childhood sexual abuse. These are women who when they were little girls would get into their beds each night and roll themselves into a fetal position and every night he would come in and peel her open. The physical and visual invasion of little girl's bodies damages them psychologically and gives them a psychologically unhealthy view of sexuality. Often as adults they reenact their childhood trauma by working as strippers, Playboy models, and prostitutes.The men who, now as customers, physically and visually invade the adult women's bodies, reenact the role of the perpetrator. These women work in the sex industry because it feels like home."

These women are taught through abuse that they are sexual objects. They don't associate sex with love.

Shelley Luben, a former porn actress, was first sexually abused at nine years old. She discusses the horrors of working in the porn industry, and how porn actresses really feel about their profession:

"I never liked sex. I never wanted sex and in fact I was more apt to spend time with Jack Daniels than some of the studs I was paid to “fake it” with. That’s right none of us freshly-dyed blondes like doing porn. In fact, we hate it. We hate being touched by strangers who care nothing about us. We hate being degraded with their foul smells and sweaty bodies. Some women hate it so much you can hear them vomiting in the bathroom between scenes. Others can be found outside smoking an endless chain of Marlboro lights...

But the porn industry wants YOU to think we porn actresses love sex. They want you to think we enjoy being degraded by all kinds of repulsive acts. The truth, porn actresses have showed up on the set not knowing about certain requirements and were told by porn producers to do it or leave without being paid. Work or never work again. Yes, we made the choice. Some of us needed the money. But we were manipulated and coerced and even threatened. Some of us caught HIV from that coercion. I personally caught Herpes, a non-curable sexually transmitted disease. Another porn actress went home after a long night of numbing her pain and put a pistol to her head and pulled the trigger. Now she’s dead.

It’s safe to say most women who turn to porn acting as a money-making enterprise, probably didn’t grow up in healthy childhoods either. Indeed, many actresses admit they’ve experienced sexual abuse, physical abuse, verbal abuse and neglect by parents. Some were raped by relatives and molested by neighbors. When we were little girls we wanted to play with dollies and be mommies, not have big scary men get on top of us. So we were taught at a young age that sex made us valuable. The same horrible violations we experienced then, we relive through as we perform our tricks for you in front of the camera. And we hate every minute of it. We’re traumatized little girls living on anti-depressants, drugs and alcohol acting out our pain in front of YOU who continue to abuse us.

As we continue to traumatize ourselves by making more adult films, we use more and more drugs and alcohol. We live in constant fear of catching AIDS and sexually transmitted diseases. Every time there’s an HIV scare we race to the nearest clinic for an emergency checkup. Pornographers insist giving viewers the fantasy sex they demand all the while sacrificing the very ones who make it happen. In other words, no condoms allowed. Herpes, gonorrhea, syphilis, chlamydia, and other diseases are the normal anxieties we walk around with daily. We get tested monthly but we know testing isn’t prevention. Besides worrying about catching diseases from porn sex, there are other harmful activities we engage in that are also very dangerous. Some of us have had physical tearing and damage to internal body parts.

The truth is there IS NO fantasy in porn. It’s all a lie. A closer look into the scenes of a porn star’s life will show you a movie porn doesn’t want you to see. The real truth is we porn actresses want to end the shame and trauma of our lives but we can’t do it alone. We need you men to fight for our freedom and give us back our honor. We need you to hold us in your strong arms while we sob tears over our deep wounds and begin to heal. We want you throw out our movies and help piece together the shattered fragments of our lives. So don’t believe the lie anymore. Porn is nothing more than fake sex and lies on videotape. Trust me, I know."

Jenna Jameson, the most well-known porn star, goes to great lengths to justify what she does for a living. She claims she is a sexual person and porn is liberating. She strongly protests that women are strong and independent, and that it is her choice to have sex in movies for money. She considers herself mentally healthy. Coincidentally, she was gang raped as a young teen, began stripping at 16 (she removed her braces with pliers to become a stripper), and she became addicted to crystal meth at 20.

Strippers are no less dehumanized and exploited than porn stars. Even at the age of 12, girls are dancing for men for money. In 2008, a sixth grader was stripping at Diamonds Cabaret, an all-nude strip club in Dallas's red light district. This story ran in Newsweek:

"After running away from home in the suburbs for at least the fourth time in a year, the sixth-grader needed a place to stay. David Bell, 22, and Demonica Abron, 28, a Diamonds Cabaret dancer whose stage name is "Jewels," allegedly told the child she could stay with them in Dallas—as long as she earned her keep. First Bell tried to make the girl work as a prostitute, according to police reports, but she refused. Instead Bell drove her to Diamonds, a BYOB strip club he frequented in a dilapidated office park next to a business that rents hot tubs by the hour.

The girl told the authorities that she lied about her age to a club manager and wasn't able to show proper identification. Police say the club's staff hired her anyway, after asking her to undress to prove that she wasn't too shy to dance nude for strangers. Diamonds Cabaret, where women perform vigorous routines on a stripper pole, features some of the raunchiest exotic dancing in Dallas. According to the account she gave the police, the girl lasted about a week and a half in November, working the stage amid flashing multicolored strobe lights and a pounding hip-hop soundtrack laced with obscene lyrics. She made as little as $100 a night, she told the authorities, and gave all her profits after paying the club fee to Bell and Abron, her "caretakers."

"You did good," Bell allegedly told the girl after one particularly lucrative shift, but, she says, he wanted more. Despite her protests, Bell drove her around Dallas forcing her to perform oral sex on him, she told the police. Back at the house, the girl says, she tried to escape, but Bell grabbed her hard by the arm and said she wasn't going anywhere. When he fell asleep she fled."

Diamonds Cabaret, the strip club, did not lose its business license and it still open.

Working in a strip club is not the paradise and party place that men like to imagine it to be.

A study of exotic dancers found that 100% had been physically assaulted in the clubs where they were employed, with a prevalence ranging from 3-15 times over the course of their involvement in exotic dancing. Violence included physical assault, attempted vaginal penetration, attempted rape,and rape (Holsopple, 1999).

In another study, 51.2% of women working as exotic dancers were threatened with a weapon (Raphael & Shapiro, 2004).

Here's what I have to say to all those men and women who think that strip clubs and porn are just fine: You need a reality check. Things aren't as rosy and innocent as you would like to believe. The majority of these women are victims and need help. We are all socially responsible for their welfare. We need to help them, not make things worse. By going to a strip club or buying porn, you are the oppressor. You continue to victimize women, and do so for your own pleasure. If that isn't misogyny, I don't know what is.

Catcalls: So stupid only a caveman would do it

Article contributed by Stephanie Mathieu, a journalist and fellow feminist

This column originally ran the summer of 2007 in The Daily News, Longview, Wash.

This is Stephanie's first contribution to the blog, but definitely not the last. She has a lot of progressive thoughts about gender equality and I am sure she will love to share them.






Catcalls: So stupid only a caveman would do it

I never took the time to respond. Until now.

Many women experience it every day: The men who, as they pass us on the street, leer, honk and holler from the cowardly comfort of their vehicles.

But last month, two make antagonists I encountered made a crucial mistake. Instead of directing come-ons at me from a car, they sat on the porch of an Old Westside home.

“Hey, sexy!” Lookin’ good!”

Once again, I was an accidental and unwilling player in the male-dominated sport of “catcalling,” a sad grasp for power.

Experts who study gender say disrespectful behavior toward women helps create a culture of violence in which our sisters, mothers, daughters, aunts, grandmothers and nieces become acceptable targets of sexual assault.

For example, a 2001 study conducted at Rutgers University in New Jersey found that in some male-dominated settings, such as athletics, the use of derogatory language to describe women was not only acceptable, it gave men a “sense of privilege and entitlement” to rape.

Catcalling is verbal abuse, an indefensible practice that objectifies and demeans its subjects, adding to the growing culture of disrespect and violence.

Every time catcalling occurs, it leaves me feeling self-conscious, humiliated, slightly fearful and, mostly, enraged.

In most instances when it happens, my harassers hit the gas and get away before I can summon adequate words of protest. Often, I’m left shouting choice words these men can’t hear, or shaking my head, a fist or a middle finger.

I’ve even tried to make excuses:

“Lighten up,” I’d think. “He is complimenting you,” or “they are only trying to flirt.”

Really?

If men truly believe they can earn the affections of women by hurling insults at them while zooming past on the street, the state should implement IQ tests for drivers’ licenses, then start revoking more than a few.

Such men, much like those who sexually harass, batter and rape, do so out of insecurity or to assert power over someone.

On this particular day, I’d had enough.

Like the fictional “Seinfeld” character George Costanza, who in one notable episode flies from New York to Ohio to deliver an overdue comeback, I turned on my heals and headed down the sidewalk toward the catcallers.

They looked confused as I approached. One pointed to his buddy and said, “It was him.” The other sheepishly said, “He thinks you’re hot,” as if it were an apology. They both appeared to be in their late 20s.

“I did not appreciate that,” I said from about 10 feet away. “That was very disrespectful.”

As I walked away, prepared to count this incident as a rare victory – Stephanie-the-feminist: 1, Male-dominated society: 1 bazillion – I heard the classic, salacious wolf whistle from my “admirers.”

Oh, well. It all goes to show that social change is difficult. It takes more than one young woman with an ax to grind. But here are a few suggestions:

To catcallers: Lay off. Your harassing drive-by gazes, honks, whistle and words do not make you a man. They make you a Neanderthal.

To women who enjoy catcalls: Wake up. These men clearly are not applauding your winning personality or intelligence and probably not even your appearance.

To women who share my frustrations: Protest. If presented with opportunities, and it’s safe to do so, assertively confront your harassers.

Of course, these guys might very well continue their inappropriate behavior.

But your protest could make them think twice the next time they start to honk at a pedestrian, just because she is female, and just because she has a pulse.

Beauty Pageants...Disgusting.

I am not going to sugar coat this: beauty pageants are disgraceful. The majority of men and women don't think there is anything wrong with pageants and fully support them. But how can this be? How can it be socially acceptable to judge a woman's worth based on her looks?

Myth: Beauty pageants are actually scholarship pageants, and pageant organizations give away millions of dollars a year in scholarship money. Helping women fund their college education is a positive thing, and really helps women of normal intelligence be able to go to school if they can't earn an academic scholarship.

Truth: Money for college should never be rewarded for looking good. Period. Nobody should get money for college just for being attractive and winning a beauty competition. It doesn't even make sense. It's a nice idea that they give women money for school, but come on! If our society is so concerned with helping people fund their college education, we should be looking at criteria that is based on more than physical appearance. Being attractive has nothing to do with academics, and therefore should not be rewarded with scholarship money.

Not to mention, the women that compete in pageants spend money to do so. Most of the women you see on TV winning the big scholarships, like Miss America, have been involved in pageants since they were young girls. They have likely spent more on entry fees, gowns, coaches, dietitians, personal trainers, dance and/or vocal lessons, professional hair and make-up, fake teeth, hair extensions, fake nails, tanning, etc., then they will ever see returned to them in the form of a scholarship. The gowns alone average $2,000! And even more disturbing is the fact that the entry fees alone are sometimes more than they would actually get if they won first place. So, they would actually lose money, even if they won the grand prize. If these women were so concerned with going to college, why not save that money and pay for it?

Women that win the big bucks for school don't just wake up one day, realize they are poor, and enter a very prestigious beauty pageant with no experience and win the grand prize of full-tuition scholarship to the college of their choice. These women are groomed to compete from a young age, and spend a lot of money to get to the prestigious pageants.

Myth: Pageants are good for a young woman's self-esteem. Being able to present themselves positively in front an audience helps them gain confidence.

Truth: I can't believe I am actually dignifying this with a response, but here it goes- I can't think of anything more detrimental to a woman's self-esteem than to constantly judge her by her looks, compare her to other women, and make her feel like she has to be beautiful to be worth anything. If a woman needs to spend all of her time and energy into looking like a Barbie to have self-esteem, she needs therapy. And is that really self-esteem, or a lack of it? Going to endless lengths to be accepted and adored? Developing an eating disorder so you are as thin as you can possibly be? Getting plastic surgery to look like someone you think you are supposed to look like? Wearing so much make-up you are barely recognizable? I know not all pageant contestants do these things, but they do happen, and it's because a lot of pageant contestants will do whatever they can, healthy or not, just to be as "pretty" as they can possibly be.

Myth: Pageants get women involved in community service.

Truth: Well, that's because community service is required for pageants. I don't hear any accolades for juvenile delinquents who are also required to perform community service. If community service was not required, how many women would actually do it? If they are just there because "they have to be," what kind of hero are they? And if they actually wanted to be there volunteering their time, then they would do it regardless.

Myth: Pageants are not just based on looks. They also require talent and good interviewing skills.
Truth: Excuse me while I laugh my ass off. I challenge anyone who has ever watched a beauty pageant to say this to me with a straight face. Some of the women competing do have actual talent, but these usually aren't the women that advance in the competition. And interviewing "skills" is a stretch. The women are just told to memorize a handful of generic responses, and then just regurgitate whatever answer seems to most appropriately fit the question they were asked. I have seen so many horrible answers and horrible talents go on to win "Miss America." Why is this? Because talent and interviews are just a formality and don't mean anything.

I am actually starting to wonder whether bad talents and answers actually get higher scores. I saw a woman win a televised pageant who said that a woman's role in society is to get married, stay home and raise children. I also saw a woman win a pageant dressed in a 60's outfit, singing "I like to cook and clean for my man." So either the judges reward ignorant, (or as they call them, 'traditional') contestants, or the entire thing is rigged from the beginning.

Bottom Line: Society needs to stop judging women on their looks. It just reinforces the idea that women need to be beautiful. This is not a good message to send to a woman of any age.

And it was recently confirmed that the Miss California pageant paid for Miss California's breast implants weeks before the competition. The pageants idea of beauty is fake breasts? Going under the knife to transform your body? The asshole that confirmed it said she had a better chance of winning the swimsuit competition because she would be more "proportionate." Um, ok. Seeing is that she is skinny as hell, I am thinking a flat chest would look proportionate. And since the pageant paid for the surgery, they must have been pretty confident that the implants were necessary for her success. (What a great self-esteem booster! You need to get plastic surgery to look good enough to win! Sorry, you aren't good enough the way you are!) The rep said that the pageant in no way encouraged the surgery choice, and that the contestant insisted. Of course they are going to say this, otherwise they would look bad. If they didn't agree, they wouldn't have paid for it. And they wouldn't have admitted that it would help her chances of winning.

Last but no least, women walking on a stage in a bathing suit, getting scored on their bodies, is sickening. This doesn't even require an explanation. It's obviously wrong.