Sono Bello can kiss the ass that I'm NOT getting lasered off

I've always had a curvier figure. I have wide hips, larger thighs, a large chest, a butt, etc. And with a curvy figure comes the daunting task of finding clothes that fit. Jeans flatten out my rear end because there simply isn't enough room back there for my tush. Button-up shirts gap at my boobs, if they even button at all. It's almost impossible to find clothes that not only fit correctly but also look flattering.

Shopping is frustrating. Women's clothes are made for women who are very thin, no hips, no butt, no breasts. If you look like this, then clothes shopping would be a breeze. But for the majority of women who are more shapely, it's a nightmare.

When I was in the car one day, a radio commercial came on. A woman started narrating her troubles about being curvy (not fat, just curvy), and not being able to find any clothes that fit. Immediately, my ears perked up and I was listening with interest. She was going on and on about how she hated shopping because nothing fit right- if pants fit in the waist then they were too small in the hip area. I couldn't agree more. This woman was speaking to me and millions of other curvy women out there! I was eager to hear where this lead. Here she was complaining about clothes not being made to fit real women, so I was anticipating her to pitch some new, great clothing line that changed all that. I was getting excited. Could it be? I thought. Clothes are actually being made to fit women? Yes! Yes! Yes! Where do I buy these clothes? I want them!!!

But of course, I was all wrong. She went on to advise that curvier women should just get our shape removed via laser fat removal. Then we can fit into clothes. That's the solution. Alter our figures to fit into clothes.

I was pretty pissed off after hearing this commercial. I called up my friend Stevie to vent. Not only was I offended, but I was heartbroken that there wasn't a new clothing line coming out. That damn ad got me so giddy about it, and just pulled the rug from right underneath me.

When I told her about the ad, she was disturbed. She summed the problem up quite eloquently:

"Shouldn't clothes be made to fit people, not people made to fit into clothes?"

Yes. Clothes should be made in all shapes and sizes. Women should not have to have her hips and butt burned off so she can wear pants.

Furthermore, I've noticed a lot of disgustingly fat men walking around these days. How about you promote your product to them? And how about you stop making women feel like shit about their weight and shape just so you can sell them a solution.

Breast discrimination

Last night, I started crying in the dressing room of Nordstrom. I tried not to, but I couldn't help it. The preceding weeks were emotionally draining and stressful. I had been searching high and low for a nursing bra that fit, and had no success. So when I was at Nordstrom, trying on my last and final hope for a well-fitting bra, and it didn't work out, I broke down.

I had a baby a month ago. I am breastfeeding. I need a nursing bra. But apparently, only women with smaller breasts can get bras that fit. Women with fuller breasts are basically screwed, because only a handful of nursing bras are even made in larger sizes, and if those don't fit your body type or breast shape, too bad. (It is a lot easier to find a bigger cup size if you're band size is 36 or more, but if you have a smaller frame like me, forget about it.)

The thing is, women's breasts usually get pretty big when they are nursing. So one would think that nursing bras would be made in bigger sizes, to accommodate the majority of nursing mothers. Too bad that's not the case. I went to multiple Nordstroms, a specialty bra shop in Tacoma, a specialty maternity bra shop in Seattle, and several online stores. And guess what? Only a handful of bras were made in my size. And ALL of those bras were at least $70.

I bought a bra at Nordstrom and had to return it because the underwire kept rolling under my boobs. I ordered a smaller band size, and the underwire still rolled. I ordered a bra online that was supposed to be my size but fit very small. I bought two bras (for $170)out of desperation at the specialty shop in Seattle because I needed something. But neither of them had any support, and when your breasts are heavy with milk, support is important.

I went to Tacoma and tried on every nursing bra, in multiple sizes, hoping to find something. It was a nightmare. Everything was ill-fitting.

I went to another Nordstrom and tried on the only style of bra there was left. The straps dug into my shoulder blades. And it wasn't because it was the wrong size, it was because the bra sucked. This is when I lost it.

It's really sad that I am forced to wear an uncomfortable nursing bra because that's all there is out there. It's even more unfair that I have to pay at least $70 for it. If my breasts were really little, I'd have 1,000 times more options, and could pay $20.

And it's not like I have freakishly big boobs. Every bra salesperson I talk to says that tons of women have my bra size. So why aren't there more bras in bigger sizes if there is a demand? I asked this very question to a local bra maker and designer, and she told me exactly why.

She said that it's harder and more expensive to make bras for bustier women, because the breasts need more support. It's a lot easier to design and manufacture small bras that offer little support, so that's what is made. And because that's all that is really out there, most women don't know how a bra is supposed to fit. Women are squeezing into bras that are way too small, because that's all they can find. I was told that bra manufacturers take advantage of the fact that women do not know their true bra size, and just keep making small bras because it's cheaper for them. Just as long as they keep making smaller bras, women will only have that selection to choose from, and they just take the closest fit, given their options.

Personally, I didn't know for years what bra size I actually was. I would wear a 36 C, and I am really a 32 E (when I am not nursing). But 36 C is the closest fit I could find. And when you say you have an E cup, that sounds so huge, but it's really not. When women are professionally fitted, the average cup size is a DD. Most women wear a DD, but try finding that size at Target or Kohls or Fred Meyer if you are less than 36 inches around your rib cage. Women who think they have really small boobs assume they are an A cup, but when fitted professionally, discover they are actually a C cup.

And for those women who have average or above average breast size- and actually know their correct size- they are forced to pay the big bucks for a correct fit. Bras are seriously $70 or more. If you're an A or B or even a C cup, your boobs are smaller than average and you can get a bra for $12.99. And you can go to any department store and have hundreds to choose from. But this isn't a luxury most women have. Most women wear bras that don't fit, or pay a lot of money to get ones that do fit.

Frankly, it's really fucked up that women are treated like this. All I want to do is breastfeed in comfort, but I guess that's too much to ask. I have these options: 1) underwire rolling under my breasts and pinching my breast tissue, 2) too small and smashing my boobs down and possibly causing infection, 3) no support so my very heavy breasts are painfully hanging off my chest, or 4) straps digging into my flesh. And all of these options are super pricey. But I have to pick one, so what do I do?

Women with average or larger breasts deserve representation. We deserve to wear our real sizes, and we shouldn't have to pay 5 times more money for it. I shouldn't have to look into breast reduction surgery because I can't find a bra that fits.

A year ago in London, women protested paying more for larger bras. I think women in this country need to have the same kind of movement, but also protest the lack of options as well as the price. The bottom line is, bustier women deserve correct fitting bras as reasonable prices.

"you guys"

For awhile now, I have tried very hard not to use the phrase "you guys" when speaking to a group that includes at least one woman. Obviously, women are not "guys" and I don't find this phrase to be gender neutral. You certainly wouldn't walk up to a group of all men, or even a group with one man, and say, "hey gals."

A lot of words and phrases that are used for both men and women are really only male appropriate: mankind, chairman, fireman, etc. However, they are used to describe both men and women. Funny how all "gender neutral" words and phrases are all male related.

I was reading an article (On Language: You Guys by Audrey Bilger) and she discussed this very problem. A few things she wrote that really resonated with me, and summed up the problem with the phrase "you guys" are as follows:

"Calling women 'guys' makes femaleness invisible. It says that man-as in a male person-is still the measure of all things."

"Most of us are familiar with the idea of internalized oppression, the
subtle process by which members of disenfranchised groups come to accept their own lesser status. We need to recognize that accepting 'guys' as a label for girls and women is a particular insidious example of that process."

She also included a quote from Alice Walker that addresses the argument of "lighten up" or "who cares?"

"I see in its use some women's obsequious need to be accepted, at any cost, even at the cost of erasing their own femaleness, and that of other women. Isn't it at least ironic that after so many years of struggle for women's liberation, women should end up calling themselves this?"

Possible alternatives: you all or folks

If you would like to spread the word about this and help inform others who say it, you can print out a small card from www.youall2.freeservers.com. The card has basic information about the problem with the phrase, and can be left at establishments where it is said. For instance, if your server at a restaurant says "you guys" to a group that is not all men, you could leave a card at your table.

Shout out to two awesome female celebs

I'd like to give a shout out to two celebrity women- both actresses, and both pretty damn cool.

Reese Witherspoon:
Awesome for 2 reasons.

First, she isn't superficial and obsessed with her physical appearance. She is the mother of two children, and her body reflects this. Unlike many female celebrities, she doesn't go to extreme measures to try to make her body look like it did before having children. Instead, she is fine with the way her body looks post-pregnancy.

“I am covered in stretch marks and cellulite but it doesn’t bother me at all. My body will never be the same again but I really don’t care.”

"Your body never looks that same after you have children. My breasts are not what they were before I breast-fed. I have cellulite. I have stretch marks. I know if I’m going to make it in this business, I’m not going to make it on being sexy."

"Hollywood is one of those endless competitions, but it's like running a race toward nothing. There's no winning. You're never going to win the pretty race. I just want to be the best version of myself that I can be."

"I feel like there's a race being run in Los Angeles for some unattainable goal -to be the best, the skinniest, the most beautiful. I just admit that that's what I'll never be."

Second, she believes in women's capabilities and feminism.

"I feel there are certain people who are systematically ripping [feminism] down because of their lack of regard and their ignorance about what the women before us had to go through."

"What gets me is how many women - young women - give up their power and their sense of self. Thinking they're going to get more out of life if they take off their clothes and objectify themselves, instead of functioning on the principle that they're smart and capable, that you can be an actress and not be on the covers of T&A magazines. I'm flabbergasted by how many legitimate actresses do that. It blows my mind."

"I don't think these women are stupid. I think they're selling a personality that's very marketable: Wouldn't it be fun if we were all gorgeous and didn't have a care? But creating a cultural icon out of someone who goes, "I'm stupid, isn't it cute?" makes me want to throw daggers at them! I want to say to them, "My grandma did not fight for what she fought for, and my mother did not fight for what she fought for, so you can start telling women it's fun to be stupid. Saying that to young women, little girls, my daughter? It's not OK."

Nicole Kidman:

She is a goodwill ambassador for United Nations Development Fund for Women, which would hold the entire league of nations in the UN responsible for making sure women in countries plagued with antiquated gender policies are educated and have access to proper health care.

She fights for international gender equality, with an emphasis on violence against women.

"Violence against women is not prosecuted because it is not a top government and urgent social priority. We can change this."

“These champions need and deserve our support. Not with a box of band-aids, but with a comprehensive, well-funded approach that acknowledges that women’s rights are human rights. It is time for policies that intentionally involve society’s key communities - from health and education departments to the police and judiciary - to deliver on that commitment. To succeed, it requires political will at the highest levels.”

She recently requested $1 billion over five years for anti-violence programs.

She also sees the realities of how Hollywood represents women poorly. She admits that the film industry contributes to violence by portraying women as sex objects. And she said she refuses to take film roles that portray women as weak sex objects.

"I can't be responsible for all of Hollywood, but I can certainly be responsible for my own career."

Why working at Hooters is NOT cool

Many young women would love the opportunity to work at Hooters. Whether it's for attention and the honor to be able to say you are "hot" to men, or simply for the money, there are plenty of women out there who would jump at the chance.

Well, it's obviously not cool for women to do it just to get an official stamp of approval of attractiveness. If they think that working there proves how "hot" they are, and they like men drooling over them, I would say they lack some serious self-esteem and should value themselves for more than how men view them.

But for those women who argue that they are not demeaning themselves by working there, I certainly see the validity in their argument. They claim that men are the real chumps- willing to generously tip women for wearing tight, low-cut outfits and serve them food. The women don't have to touch these men, or do anything sexual with them. They merely have to flirt with them, be nice, and prance around. And men are so stupid they are willing to pay for it. So why not profit from men's obsession with gawking at women?

Here's why: You are supporting the patriarchal standard of women being products that can be purchased for male amusement. You are supporting the misogynistic idea that women's bodies are objects for men to stare at. By accepting money in exchange for wearing small, tight outfits, you are saying to men that you can be purchased for their entertainment, for the right price. If men can pony up enough money, you are willing to be sexy for them. All it takes is cash. You can be bought. You are a product, not a person. (And yes, most everybody has to work for a paycheck, but most everybody does not have demote themselves to a sex object in order to earn money. Most people can do work where they are seen as people, rather than a thing.)

Who is really in control? Certainly not the women who are making the money. Yes, it seems quite powerful to be able to take a man's money. Making a lot of money gives women the idea that they are the one in power. But oh, how specious that argument is. I'd say the one in power is the one who can wave some money around and have people sell themselves for it. When all a man needs is money to be able to control people, and tell them what they need to do to earn it, and dole out the cash to those who are willing to look "sexy" for them, it's like he's the puppet master. I certainly wouldn't say a well-paid slave is really the one in charge. It's his owner- the one that calls the shots and decides what that person will have to do to earn the pay.

Sexified women are a hot commodity, because men are willing to pay for it. They eat at places like Hooters, or get their hair cut at places like Tight Cuts, or get their house cleaned by topless women, or watch a female football game with the players in lingerie, or get coffee from bikini baristas, or go to strip clubs, or use prostitutes. Women have become quite the sellable product. Just sex them up and they are all ready to be sold to men for their own personal pleasure. These men are NOT going to Hooters or bikini baristas because they like your wit and conversation, or because they value you as a person, or because they appreciate or respect you in any way, or think you are talented and have something to offer; they are doing these things because they like to look at you and think about having sex with you. They look at you as a sex toy, and nothing more.

I'm not saying these men are inherently evil, or even have bad intentions or are intentionally disrespecting women. It's what they have learned to be normal. It's what we have all learned to be normal. Women are sex toys for men. We grow up with places like Hooters and strip clubs, and see that men like sexed up women to gawk at. And we don't know any different. It's the status quo.

But there comes a time when every societal standard needs to be questioned. It was appropriate to question the normalcy of slavery and it was appropriate to question laws that didn't allow women and African-Americans to vote. Yes, those things were normal at the time, but were still wrong. And this is wrong. Women are not sex toys for men. Period. No matter how normal it is to us, it's just not right. Women should not be looked at as sexual objects, or a things for men to play with or as products that can be bought and sold for male amusement. Women are people, and have a greater purpose than to fulfill a man's sexual desires.

So not only is working at Hooters, or a similar place, demeaning, but it also reinforces harmful standards of beauty. Women are bombarded with images of what they need to look like to be sexy and desirable to men. And since the desire to be desired is something women are taught is important, we strive to fit the sexy mold. Hooters, Playboy, Victoria's Secret models...they all show us that skinny with big boobs is the ideal. Now women are getting plastic surgery and developing eating disorders to fit this image. And I am so sick of hearing, "Men get plastic surgery and have eating disorders too. Men are pressured to look good for women." While there are men who do get plastic surgery, and do have eating disorders, it is a very, very small population, and not even close to comparable to women. Eleven out of 12 million Americans that get cosmetic surgery are women. That's 92%. And as for eating disorders, 8 million Americans suffer from the disease, and 7 million of those are women. That's 87.5% female.

As women, it's important that we accept other women for who they are and what they look like. We shouldn't be striving to look like unrealistic images, or using our bodies as examples of what other women should strive to look like. We shouldn't be encouraging women to throw up their food or get surgery to transform themselves. Instead, we should respect our gender and treat other women like they are valuable, no matter how they were born or what they look like.

With any oppressed group, it's important for members to band together and fight the status quo and demand respect. And yes, women are an oppressed group. We always have been. We may have made strides by being able to vote, work and own property, but we still have a long way to go. We still get paid less for doing the same job, we still have millions of girls and women enslaved around the world in brothels, we are still being raped and beaten by men, and we are still being seen as sex objects. To overcome this oppression, there needs to be a strong sisterhood, where women refuse to be seen as less than men, and refuse to be seen as products to be bought.

This is easier said than done however. It is common for any oppressed group to internalize blame and perpetuate their own oppression. Feminists have called this "Tomming" and it references the classic book Uncle Tom's Cabin, where a black slave, Tom, feels as though he really isn't as good as his white owner, and so he becomes very devoted and subservient to his white master who he genuinely believes to be superior. Women really do think they are sex toys, and create any justification to continue living in the comfortable world of the status quo. They say, "women are just more attractive than men, so men want to look at us" or "men are appreciating female bodies." This is all just crap. Women are people and shouldn't be seen or treated as anything less.

By not working at Hooters, or the like, you are sending a message: 'women are not sexual products to be purchased by men.' And you are also saying: 'women don't have to look a certain way to be beautiful. I accept all kinds of women, and I don't think my body should be considered the ideal. I don't want women to make themselves sick to try to look like me.' And you are saying: 'I'm taking a stand against rape culture. I will not be seen as a sexual object, and I am not going to participate in the normalization of having women been seen as things rather than people.' You are joining a much needed sisterhood. We cannot overcome our oppression or make change without the help of women. Most men like having the power, so we must depend on our sisterhood to demand equality.

Why I don't wear makeup

Up until about 4 months ago, I used to wear makeup every day. Granted, sometimes I would only wear mascara, but still, I NEEDED it. I was hooked to makeup like it was crack. I wouldn't go anywhere without it- not even the gym. I really just didn't like what I looked like without it. I felt ugly a lot of the time. And even with makeup, I had self esteem issues.

And then one day I had a revelation. WHO CARES?!? I mean, why was my appearance so important to me? Why did I care so much if other people thought I was attractive? Why was it so important to me that I feel attractive? And to get to the root of the problem, why did I only feel confident about my looks with artificial colors and chemicals painted all over my face? Are my natural looks really so bad?

So I didn't wear any makeup that day. And I didn't wear any makeup the next day. Or the day after. And you know what? It felt pretty good. Not only was I saving valuable time and money, but I felt better about myself. My confidence really began to skyrocket because I wasn't basing my own worth off of my physical appearance. I had always known I had much more to offer than my looks, but if wasn't until I honestly stopped caring, that I truly believed it.

There was such a sense of empowerment when I just stopped caring what other people thought about my looks. I could honestly care less if someone thought I was ugly, or someone thought I was attractive. Physically appearance doesn't mean anything. It doesn't measure someone's worth and is in no way indicative of what they have to offer. It's superficial and vain, and I really didn't want to be a part of that world anymore. And I stopped participating in that caddy life of judging other women by their looks.

With every day that went by, I felt better and better about myself. And I really started thinking about makeup in general, and why I originally wore it, and why most women do wear it. I mean, it's expensive, it's time consuming, and it's bad for your skin. But...It makes us look "better", so that's a good enough reason. For women, looking good seems to outweigh most everything.

From birth, girls are taught to want to be beautiful like a princess. Society places a VERY strong emphasis on a woman's appearance. From her weight, to her clothes, to her hair, to her face, to her body. If you walk through Target, you'll see rows and rows and rows of makeup, made exclusively for women. You'll also see rows of facials cleansers and age defying lotions, made exclusively for women. These products are supposed to improve appearance, but only for women.

Diets and weight loss programs are designed for women. A small percentage are designed for men, and they are always noted as a "men's program." The majority of weight loss programs are designed for women. (Think Jenny Craig & Weight Watchers)

Cosmetic surgery has been booming. In 2008, there were 12.1 million cosmetic procedures performed in the United States. And guess what? 91% of of those cosmetic procedures were for women! That's horrible. Over 12 million Americans felt they needed a cosmetic procedure to look better, and 11 million of those were females. (http://www.plasticsurgery.org/Media/stats/2008-quick-facts-cosmetic-surgery-minimally-invasive-statistics.pdf)

The pressure for women to be thin is worse than ever. It is estimated that 8 million Americans have eating disorders. And 7 million of those are women. 1 in 200 American women suffers from anorexia, and 2-3 in 100 American women suffers from bulimia. (http://www.state.sc.us/dmh/anorexia/statistics.htm)

I remember reading recently that women spend over $400,000 on beauty products in their lifetime. A teen girls spend an average of $200 a month of beauty products. Sheesh. It sure seems that women will sacrifice everything in the name of beauty. She will spend time every morning putting on makeup, she will spend money buying it, she will spend thousands of dollars in one lump sum on cosmetic procedures and endure the pain and health risks of going under the knife and getting a completely unnecessary surgery. She will slowly kill herself with eating disorders, just so she can be the size she thinks she is supposed to be.

I have to say, I don't like these societal beauty standards at all. Women are real people, with real feelings and real talent and real experiences. Women have amazing things to offer and contribute to this world. We're not just pretty faces. We're not just sexual fantasies and play things for male amusement. We don't deserve the pressures of feeling obligated to look great. Men certainly don't have those same pressures. Men can be accepted for who they are and what they look like without having to put on makeup, go on disgusting diets, get needles poked in their faces to get rid of wrinkles, get plastic surgery or throw up after every meal. Why can't women be afforded this same right? Why can't women simply be? Why can't women just be comfortable with what they were born to look like, and say FU to anybody who doesn't like it?

I have not worn any makeup for over 4 months, and I do not intend to wear makeup ever again. I think I look great without it. I gained real confidence through accepting myself for who I actually am, and I have never felt so good about my looks in my life. I don't waste my time or money on that crap anymore. I mean, what is so wrong with what women actually look like? Nothing! But patriarchy still lives on, and society still makes women feel like they NEED to look great, and go to artificial means to achieve this. It is very profitable for cosmetic industries to tear down women's self esteem, and then sell them products that will make them feel good again.

But I think it takes a real sense of security to be able to walk out of the house everyday with your natural face and like the way you look, and not care about pleasing other people, especially men. And it's definitely empowering to rebel against the status quo and sexist beauty standards.

That is why I don't wear makeup.

Feminist books for young readers!

I am always excited to learn about new things that help empower women and girls. Check this out:

The Amelia Bloomer Project produces an annual list of books for young readers, ages birth through 18, that contain significant feminist content-not just cardboard “feisty” or “spunky” girls and women, but tales of those who have broken barriers and have fought to change their situations and their environment.

Examples of books include:

Violet the Pilot- Rejected by classmates for her love of science and mechanics, Violet’s wild invention saves the day when others need her help.

Running Shoes- With her new shoes, Sophy runs through the rice fields of Cambodia to the local school, where, as the only girl, she strives to achieve her dream of an education.

Ballots for Belva: the True Story of a Woman’s Race for the Presidency- During the late 1800’s when only men could vote, Belva Lockwood earned a law degree, successfully argued cases before the Supreme Court, and ran for the office of President of the United States.

For a complete list of books, and more about the project, check out:

http://libr.org/ftf/bloomer.html