Cosmo's rules for being a great girlfriend

Every woman knows, keeping your man happy is an important job, even if it means sacrificing your own needs to please him. We must bend over backwards for our boyfriends, so they will like us, be faithful, and if we are lucky, they will one day marry us.

To be a good girlfriend, we must shed our own personalities, and adapt to whatever our boyfriend wants us to be. But how do we do that? Well, it's easy. Just follow Cosmo's rules for being a "good girlfriend." These rules were advertised on MSN lifestyle, so that every woman who visits MSN can benefit from this advice.

Good Girlfriend Behavior: Do This, Not That
By Bethany Heitman

Every girl knows the golden relationship rules — like tell your guy how great he makes you feel, not how amazing your ex was. But there are other guidelines that aren't so obvious. Behold, the ultimate cheat sheet for being a great girlfriend.

Hanging with the Guys
Do This: Watch the game with his friends.Spending an afternoon on the couch with his pals says you're easygoing and cool … and he'll appreciate your making an effort to get to know his boys.
Do you like watching the game? No? Doesn't matter. He will like it, so that's what counts. But remember, never ask him to go shopping with you and your friends. You might appreciate it, but he will just be bored, and it's all about him.

Not That: Cheer really loudly, chug beers, or tell off-color jokes.Let's put it this way: It's really hard for him to be sexually attracted to someone who reminds him of his buddies.
Heaven forbid you act like this. This behavior is strictly reserved for males only! We must stay in our feminine gender roles! Ladies can't chug beer and tell jokes. Well, they can, but it's nasty. And no guy will be attracted to you. You must be a dainty little lady.

Giving Him Gifts
Do This: Buy him tickets.Present him with two tickets to see his favorite team or band and you'll win major points for being thoughtful and creative.
Win major points? Anything to win major points with my man. This will make him like me more, right?

Not That: Get him a sweater.He gets plenty of clothes from his mom. And you don't want him to associate you with her, do you? Didn't think so.
This is will not win you major points. Does it matter that it was something you picked out yourself, because you were being thoughtful and thought he might like it? Nah. Doesn't matter. He won't appreciate it. Let his mom be the one to disappoint him. He wants tickets. He won't be happy with any other gift. And yes, this applies to all men.

Leaving Stuff at His Place
Do This: "Forget" your necklace.Leave behind a pretty, delicate piece of jewelry (such as a little gold necklace) and he'll think of you in similar terms every time he sees it.
Of course! We want our man to think of us as delicate piece of jewelry. And we want him to remember we exist. He will forget all about us the second we leave, unless...we purposely leave our belongings over so he's forced to remember that we were there.

Not That: Leave a toothbrush in his bathroom.An unsolicited toothbrush or other toiletry will give him the impression you're moving too fast — and may freak him out.
Ugh- we wouldn't want our man to think we desired a commitment or anything. We move as slow as he wants. He doesn't want to even think about committing to just one woman. That freaks him out. We'll wait for him. As long as he needs.

Sending Him Texts
Do This: Type "Last night was amazing. Repeat 2night?"Keeping your message short and provocative will ensure he stays totally intrigued.
Keeping your messages air-headed and shallow will definitely allure to him. And don't forget the sexual innuendos. Without those, he won't be interested. He likes his text messages like he likes his women- dumb and slutty.

Not That: Send a message that's more than two sentences.To him, texting is for quick communication. Sending him a novel is analogous to a droning phone call.
That's right- he's not interested in what's on your mind. He doesn't really care what you have to say. He just wants the two-liner, mindless, provocative texts. Anything longer than two lines is a novel to him. And it reminds him of those droning phone calls you two have- the ones where you talk about your life, he pretends to listen, and he wants to shoot his brains out. You would never want to subject him to such torture, right?

Displaying PDA
Do This: Give him a quick kiss.He'll feel proud in front of his buddies if you give him a subtly sexy signal, like pecking him on the cheek or holding on to his arm as you walk.
We must boost his ego in front of his buddies. It's our job.

Not That: Be all over him.Dudes want to appear tough in public, so if you're always sitting on his lap or trying to make out with him, he'll feel uncomfortable.
We should never expect affection in public from our man. It's not manly. He wants to be the big, masculine boyfriend, and this means acting like he's not really into you while in public. But he really does care. Just not in front of other people.

Wearing Lingerie
Do This: Wear a matching lace bra and underwear.Sets that come in white or pastel colors — think lavender or light pink — give him a little peek at what's in store while you still look feminine and innocent.
Men who care nothing about receiving clothing as gifts sure care a lot about what color your lingerie is. He would likely be disappointed if he saw you wearing a black bra and panties. He has his heart set on pastel pink, because that makes you look virginal and innocent- the way a good woman should look. Never mind those provocative 2-liner texts you sent him earlier. He forgot all about how sexual you were as soon as he saw your pink bra. You have successfully transformed yourself into an innocent virgin- just what he likes.

Not That: Wear something he needs an engineering degree to get off of you.Teddies and little nighties with ties, buckles, and bows are hot, but he'll be too busy trying to figure out how to get you out of it to notice how amazing you look.
Don't ever make your man work for it. It's all about easy access. He needs to be able to take it off quickly. The sooner you are naked, the better. Lingerie with ties is so complex, you can't expect him to be smart enough to figure it out. He's doesn't have an engineering degree, after all!

Visiting His Parents
Do This: Bring them something homemade.Showing up with freshly baked oatmeal-raisin cookies shows you spent time thinking about them instead of just swinging by the store. Plus, his mom will be thrilled her son's babe can bake.
Impressing his mother is a must! And she wants him to be with a domestic babe! Prove you are domestic and win her over. If you don't bake, you better start learning.

Not That: Bestow flowers or anything pricey.Fresh-cut flowers require the hostess to duck into the kitchen to arrange them, and over-the-top gifts (such as a crazy-expensive bottle of wine or a crystal vase) are, well, over the top.
Remember, his mother is like him. He doesn't appreciate the thought behind the gift, he only appreciates the gift if it's something he wants. His mother doesn't want anything over the top, she just wants baked goods that prove you are domestic, so she can comfortably accept the relationship. She wouldn't feel right about her son being with someone who doesn't bake.

Going Away for the Weekend
Do This: Go to the beach or the mountains.In the beginning of a relationship, take an adventure-based trip, like going surfing or snowboarding. The adrenaline rush will boost your bond, and a built-in activity safeguards against awkward downtime.
Aah, this one isn't too bad.

Not That: Check in to a sleepy bed and breakfast.Staring at each other over fresh coffee and croissants and going antiquing all day may sound romantic to you, but these kinds of esoteric activities bore most men to death.
OK, this is more like it. Back to the basics. Do everything he wants to do. But you want to go antiquing all day? Too bad. He doesn't want to, and we do what he wants, remember? We watch football on the couch with his friends, because that will please him. But don't expect him to do something you like. That's just rude and unladylike.

Women's liberation vs. sexual revolution

I've noticed there are two sides to the feminist coin. One side believes that women should not be treated like sex objects. Stripping, porn, and prostitution are all degrading acts that are for purposes of sexually pleasing men. And women are not male playthings. Women are whole people, not sexual entertainers. The pioneers of feminism subscribe to this belief. The Women's Liberation Movement in the 60's fought for female sexual liberation, but this didn't mean women kissing each other just so other men could get off. It meant revolting against conservative, traditional ideas of sex. It meant thinking about reproductive rights and gay rights and the idea that sex is natural, beautiful, and spiritual experience. And that people don't have to be married to have sex. And that sex is pleasurable, and women are allowed to enjoy sex.

Now, there is the other side, who also call themselves feminists, and are strong supporters of women's right to flaunt their sexuality. Women have the right to strip and sell sex. Women have the right to use their bodies for profit. Strong women are not afraid of sex. This is what a lot of modern day "feminists" subscribe to. Hugh Hefner considers himself a feminist.

The latter side is bogus. It's a sickening way to encourage women to please men, and call it "liberating." But what is liberating about grinding on men for money? What is liberating about having men look at you as a sex object? What is liberating about women doing everything under the sun to please men? (By this I mean: making coffee in bikinis, serving chicken wings in low cut tops, cutting men's hair in super tight clothes, cleaning men's houses in lingerie, playing football in lingerie, etc.) And what is liberating about women going to strip clubs to see other women selling themselves for male gratification? What is liberating about a man actually purchasing a woman's body, and sleeping with her for his own pleasure? Using her as a disposable object?

Women going to any length to please men is not liberation. It's repulsive. And it's sad that society has accepted and encouraged women to behave this way. When will women be treated as human beings, and not as sex toys? How did feminism get mixed up with satisfying men's sexual needs? How did strippers and prostitutes become the face of enlightened and empowered women?

Hello! These sexual acts are to please men! There is nothing feminist about that. Women don't need to be ashamed of their sexuality, but at the same time, women SHOULD NOT have to prove they are empowered and liberal by becoming a male sex toy. Women can be sexually liberated without being sex objects. Women who are against the objectification of women are not prudes- they are women of pride. They are real feminists.

The Bloodhound Gang thinks child slaves forced into stripping and prostitution is funny

A friend and I went to a karaoke bar about a week ago. As we were flipping through the song book, there was a page that listed all of the new songs that had just been recently added to the karaoke selection. On the page was a song we had never heard of- "Lap Dance Is So Much Better When the Stripper Is Crying" by The Bloodhound Gang. As soon as we read the song title, we were shocked. How could this really be a song?

The title was SO offensive, I figured that the song couldn't actually be about strippers crying. I thought that it just had to be a random, offensive title, that was completely unrelated to what the song was about. I mean, who would actually write a song about strippers crying? And how would that song be so popular that it made it to karaoke right away?

I knew that this group had a track record of being disgusting, crude, and offensive. Their first single, "The Bad Touch," was laced with vulgar lines(i.e., "So put your hands down my pants and I'll bet you'll feel nuts"). And the name of their CD is "Hooray For Boobies." The group is basically very sophomoric, and these guyys probably flirt with girls by being mean to them, and they probably laugh when they hear the word boob.

Even though the group is low, I didn't think it was that low. No way would it write a song about lap dances being better when the stripper cries. No way would a record label even allow such a song to be released to the public, or even recorded in the first place. And no way would society embrace this song. There would have been a big uproar of some kind when this song was released if it was really about the entertainment one gets when strippers crying during lap dances.

So I decided to look up the lyrics, just to make sure.

Unfortunately, I had given everyone too much credit. The title is representative of what the entire song is about. And nobody seems to have a problem with this. WTF? What kind of a sick world am I living in?!?

Take a look at a few of the lyrics.

(chorus)
Yes, a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'
Yes, a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'
Well I find it's quite a thrill
When she grinds me against her will
Yes a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'

Said her name was Bambi and I said, "Well that's a coincidence darlin',
'cause I was just thinkin' about skinnin' you like a deer."

Well, ten beers, twenty minutes and thirty dollars later
I'm parkin' the beef bus in tuna town if you know what I mean.
Got to nail her back at her trailer.
Heh. That rhymes.
I have to admit it was even more of a turn-on
when I found out she was doin' me to buy baby formula.

Day or so had passed when I popped the clutch,
gave the tranny a spin and slid on into
The Stinky Pinky Gulp N' Guzzle Big Rig Snooze-A-Stop.
There I was browsin' through the latest issue of "Throb",
when I saw Bambi starin' at me from the back of a milk carton.
Well, my heart just dropped.
So, I decided to do what any good Christian would.
You can not imagine how difficult it is to hold a half gallon of moo juice
and polish the one-eyed gopher when your doin' seventy-five in an eighteen-wheeler.
I never thought missing children could be so sexy.
Did I say that out loud?

WHAT? PEOPLE THINK THIS SONG IS FUNNY? Children working at strip clubs...having sex with men to buy baby food...children crying when they have to give adult men lap dances and grind the men against their will...men looking at the child stripper's "missing" picture on the back of a milk carton and masturbating to it...and an adult male saying, "I never thought missing children could be so sexy."

There is no possible way to defend this song, unless you are child molesting pervert that is seriously sick in the head.

If The Bloodhoung Gang ever comes to Seattle, I will be on the picket lines.

Note: If you are under the impression that I think this group is completely serious, read my comment.

I don't think there is a music video for this song (thank goodness), but you can listen to it here:

A good mom is ugly

I almost forgot what differentiates a mom from a monster, until I saw the cover of Us Weekly. Thank goodness for the before and after pictures of Kate Gosselin. It really cleared things up for me.

MOM: She is unattractive. She has no time to care for herself because she devotes her entire life to her children. She is completely selfless and can never do enough for her kids. She is overweight and frumpy.

MONSTER: She is attractive. She takes care of her physical appearance, even if it means taking some time for herself. She enjoys being stylish. She gets her hair cut and colored, wears make-up and accessories, and is in shape.

I am aware that there is more to this story than Kate's "makeover" (i.e., Kate is a monster because she fires staff members for irrational reasons and supposedly ignores her children). But what is the cover of this magazine actually saying about gender roles and motherhood? Two thirds of the cover is plastered with side by side images of Kate and a huge, yellow title reading, "MOM TO MONSTER". The first image, labeled "before," shows a picture of Kate looking out of shape and out of style. This image was taken before, when she was a "mom." The second image, labeled "after," shows a picture of Kate looking in shape and in style. This is how a "monster" looks. A "mom" would never care about her appearance.

The cover also claims that Kate has a sick obsession with her appearance. I suppose that's the purpose of the "after" picture. Hmm, a hair style and sunglasses...that is sick! Any mom who gets her hair styled and wears sunglasses is obviously a narcissistic, self-absorbed monster who is obsessed with her appearance. Real moms don't care about such things. Real moms only care about their children, and nothing else.

I find it completely inappropriate for Us Weekly to publish such a cover. If they want to call her a monster, so be it. For all I know, she might be the meanest person in the world. And she might be a terrible mother. And she might actually be totally obsessed with her looks. (But if Kate wearing sunglasses with a modern hairstyle is the best example of her being obsessed with her appearance, that's sad. Quite a stretch.)

HOWEVER, the cover simply perpetuates gender roles of mothers. The magazine clearly, and purposefully, labels the frumpy picture as "mom" and the stylish picture as "monster." When someone walks by and glances at the cover, this is the message they will get: ugly woman was a good mom; attractive woman is a monster. And that's exactly the message the magazine wants to send. They couldn't have made it any clearer.

This cover reminds me of a chapter in He's a Stud, She's a Slut. And 49 Other Double Standards Every Woman Should Know, by Jessica Valenti. The chapter is titled He's Superdad, She's Shittymom. It really pinpoints what society expects a mother to be. Valenti writes, "Moms can never really do enough. They can never be too selfless, too devoted, or too giving....They can never be perfect- though that's what society demands of them."

Valenti also cites the book The Mommy Myth: The Idealization of Motherhood and How It Has Undermined Women, by Susan J. Douglas and Meredith W. Michaels. Douglas and Michaels refer to the the impossible-to-meet standards for mothers as "new momism." They write, "...to be a remotely decent mother, a woman has to devote her entire physical, psychological, emotional, and intellectual being, 24/7, to her children." Us Weekly obviously subscribes to this belief.

The chapter is really about the parenting double standard. Women are expected to do everything, and give everything, for their children. Anything less would make her a bad mom. But men can show up to a couple of baseball games or read a few bedtime stories, and they are great dads.

Take another look at the cover, and pretend that Jon Gosselin was the subject. His before picture was of him being overweight and outdated- just generally unattractive. This image would be considered him looking like a "dad." And the after picture would be him with a hairstyle, wearing sunglasses, and looking healthy. This image would be him as a "monster."

That cover wouldn't make sense. Because a good father can be attractive. It's socially acceptable. Nobody expects men to sacrifice their entire lives to his kids. Nobody expects men to let themselves go in the name of their children.

And look at the subtitles, and apply them to Jon:

"Fired 40 staff members in 3 months" --- I can already hear it now: What a good dad. He really cares about the welfare of his children and will only tolerate the best. His children are so important and precious to him, he is extremely picky about the staff he hires to help out. He only wants the best for his children. After all, you can never be too careful.

"Stayed out at dinner while son went to the emergency room" Men, and probably women, would be hurling excuses left and right: Well, I'm sure his mother was with him. It was probably just something minor, and it wasn't necessary to be there. It could have been a very important business dinner, and he couldn't just leave. He rarely gets a night out, and the mom was taking care of it. I bet he didn't even know his son was in the ER until after he was done with dinner.

"Sick obsession with money, freebies, & his appearance" Men are allowed all of these things. Being obsessed with money makes a man successful and a hard worker. Being obsessed with freebies makes him practical. Being obsessed with his appearance makes him handsome, desirable, and the complete package. In fact, an obsession with all three of these things would make him a good catch. A perfect dad- successful, practical, and handsome. A monster wouldn't be any of these things.

Could it be that Kate is now a "monster" because she is acting too much like a man? Is her behavior only acceptable for a father? Should she get back in the kitchen and bake something for her family? Stop caring about money and appearance and concentrate on all things domestic?

I would also like to point out just one more thing- Jon is alleged to be cheating on Kate. Somehow, the media has taken Jon's side and says Kate drove him to it. He's unfaithful, but it's her fault. Of course. A man can't be to blame for anything.

BOYCOTT and GIRLCOTT these clothing stores!

American Appearal:

Claiming to be "sweatshop-free," American Apparel exploits women instead. Ads resemble amateur porn, plus owner Dov Charney proudly masturbated in front of a Jane Magazine reporter eight times while she was researching an article about him. Charney says, "Of course, the women are sexualized in the images, but I don't think anything's wrong with that. It's not just about being socially conscious, it's about being a profitable company." (oneangrygirl.net)

Ecko Manufacturing:

This is one of the most disgusting campaigns I have ever seen.

Ecko's Mission Statement:
At Ecko Manufacturing we do things differently, we make jeans with love. And just look at our employees! This is manufacturing on an entirely new level. We only hire the sexiest women on the planet because as everyone knows, hot girls make great clothes. Ecko MFG supplies the world with denim of unsurpassed quality. Every pair of jeans comes to the customer from the gentle, smooth hands of a highly skilled employee, who has injected every inch of the garment with love.

Love, sex, and jeans. What else do you need, really??

Not nauseated yet?
WATCH THIS! YOU WILL BE OUTRAGED! http://www.youtube.com/eckoMFG

I encourage everyone to read the full article about this ad campaign:
http://www.whereamiwearing.com/travel/hot-girls-make-great-clothes.html

If you’re offended by this you should contact Ecko Manufacturing and let them know. eckomfg@ecko.com; 917-262-1002 (ask for Ecko Manufacturing)

Abercrombie & Fitch:

In Abercrombie World, college-age girls are cheerfully slutty (shirts that say: "You’re at the Top of My To-Do List" and "This Shirt Would Look Great on Your Floor"); meanwhile, their male counterparts make rotten boyfriends (shirts that say: "I’ll Call I Swear" and "You Can Fake It But I Can Fake An Entire Relationship").

The company got into some trouble in late 2005 for marketing the following tees to younger girls:
-"Blondes Are Adored, Brunettes Are Ignored"
-"I Make You Look Fat"
-"Who Needs Brains When You Have These?"

These were discontinued after successful girlcott by Women and Girls Foundation of Southwest Pennsylvania.

You may also recall the thongs for preteens, imprinted with the phrase "Eye Candy."

Lately, they have switched to the non-controversial “appearance comes first” mindset for their younger female target market, with shirts that say "Stressed Out From Shopping" and "I Am What I Wear." (oneangrygirl.net)

The TRUTH about stripping and porn

How many times am I going to have to hear a man say, "Strippers like their job. They are proud of their bodies and are confident with themselves." How many times I am going to have to hear, "women in porn just enjoy having sex."

Men like to entertain the delusion that the women they are paying for actually like them. The woman giving me a lap dance loves this because I am so hot and sexually stimulating. She is so turned on by me. She loves getting nude and rubbing all over my body.

I mean, what kind of a fantasy would it be if they let themselves believe the truth? I am just sitting here, like hundreds of men before me, and she is dancing and taking off her clothes because I had to pay her to do so. She is just going through the motions and is probably thinking about how disgusting I am all the while.

When men watch porn, it's obviously more arousing to imagine that the woman is totally into it. Oh yeah, she loves getting her hair pulled and taking it up the ass. She doesn't need any kind of foreplay, whatsoever. As soon as he puts in his magic penis, she is nearly at an orgasm. Everything he does, no matter how rough, aggressive or degrading, is turning her on. Man, what I would do to her if she were here right now. She would be in heaven.

I don't know how well a man could masturbate to these thoughts: Hmm, I wonder if she was raped as a child? Did she used to curl up in the fetal position every night and cry herself to sleep? Is she currently strung out right now just so she can get through this shoot? Will she contract HIV soon? Does she drink everyday of her life because she hates what she is doing? Is she clinically depressed? Is she thinking that she hates her life every second that guy is touching her?

No matter how many times I hear that there just are women out there who like doing what they are doing in the sex industry, and are completely mentally stable, I am skeptical. If these women do exist, they are very rare. And I personally can't wrap my head around it.

For the majority of strippers and porn stars, having sex and taking off their clothes isn't a dream come true. It's a result of a traumatizing past.

According to University of Pennsylvania psychologist Mary Anne Layden, between 60 and 80 percent of nude dancers were raped or sexually abused as children. (Dr. Layden is Director of Education, Center for Cognitive Therapy, Department of Psychiatry, University of Pennsylvania, Philadelphia, PA; and Director, Social Action Committee for Women's Psychological Health, Philadelphia.) Excerpt from 'If pornography made us healthy, we would be healthy by now,' by Dr. Mary Anne Layden:

"Most strippers, as with other women who work in the sex industry, are adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse. Research indicates the number is between60%-80%. One study found that 35% of strippers have Multiple Personality Disorder, 55% had Borderline Personality Disorder, and 60% had Major Depressive Episodes, These are severe psychiatric problems and many of them are connected to childhood sexual abuse. These are women who when they were little girls would get into their beds each night and roll themselves into a fetal position and every night he would come in and peel her open. The physical and visual invasion of little girl's bodies damages them psychologically and gives them a psychologically unhealthy view of sexuality. Often as adults they reenact their childhood trauma by working as strippers, Playboy models, and prostitutes.The men who, now as customers, physically and visually invade the adult women's bodies, reenact the role of the perpetrator. These women work in the sex industry because it feels like home."

These women are taught through abuse that they are sexual objects. They don't associate sex with love.

Shelley Luben, a former porn actress, was first sexually abused at nine years old. She discusses the horrors of working in the porn industry, and how porn actresses really feel about their profession:

"I never liked sex. I never wanted sex and in fact I was more apt to spend time with Jack Daniels than some of the studs I was paid to “fake it” with. That’s right none of us freshly-dyed blondes like doing porn. In fact, we hate it. We hate being touched by strangers who care nothing about us. We hate being degraded with their foul smells and sweaty bodies. Some women hate it so much you can hear them vomiting in the bathroom between scenes. Others can be found outside smoking an endless chain of Marlboro lights...

But the porn industry wants YOU to think we porn actresses love sex. They want you to think we enjoy being degraded by all kinds of repulsive acts. The truth, porn actresses have showed up on the set not knowing about certain requirements and were told by porn producers to do it or leave without being paid. Work or never work again. Yes, we made the choice. Some of us needed the money. But we were manipulated and coerced and even threatened. Some of us caught HIV from that coercion. I personally caught Herpes, a non-curable sexually transmitted disease. Another porn actress went home after a long night of numbing her pain and put a pistol to her head and pulled the trigger. Now she’s dead.

It’s safe to say most women who turn to porn acting as a money-making enterprise, probably didn’t grow up in healthy childhoods either. Indeed, many actresses admit they’ve experienced sexual abuse, physical abuse, verbal abuse and neglect by parents. Some were raped by relatives and molested by neighbors. When we were little girls we wanted to play with dollies and be mommies, not have big scary men get on top of us. So we were taught at a young age that sex made us valuable. The same horrible violations we experienced then, we relive through as we perform our tricks for you in front of the camera. And we hate every minute of it. We’re traumatized little girls living on anti-depressants, drugs and alcohol acting out our pain in front of YOU who continue to abuse us.

As we continue to traumatize ourselves by making more adult films, we use more and more drugs and alcohol. We live in constant fear of catching AIDS and sexually transmitted diseases. Every time there’s an HIV scare we race to the nearest clinic for an emergency checkup. Pornographers insist giving viewers the fantasy sex they demand all the while sacrificing the very ones who make it happen. In other words, no condoms allowed. Herpes, gonorrhea, syphilis, chlamydia, and other diseases are the normal anxieties we walk around with daily. We get tested monthly but we know testing isn’t prevention. Besides worrying about catching diseases from porn sex, there are other harmful activities we engage in that are also very dangerous. Some of us have had physical tearing and damage to internal body parts.

The truth is there IS NO fantasy in porn. It’s all a lie. A closer look into the scenes of a porn star’s life will show you a movie porn doesn’t want you to see. The real truth is we porn actresses want to end the shame and trauma of our lives but we can’t do it alone. We need you men to fight for our freedom and give us back our honor. We need you to hold us in your strong arms while we sob tears over our deep wounds and begin to heal. We want you throw out our movies and help piece together the shattered fragments of our lives. So don’t believe the lie anymore. Porn is nothing more than fake sex and lies on videotape. Trust me, I know."

Jenna Jameson, the most well-known porn star, goes to great lengths to justify what she does for a living. She claims she is a sexual person and porn is liberating. She strongly protests that women are strong and independent, and that it is her choice to have sex in movies for money. She considers herself mentally healthy. Coincidentally, she was gang raped as a young teen, began stripping at 16 (she removed her braces with pliers to become a stripper), and she became addicted to crystal meth at 20.

Strippers are no less dehumanized and exploited than porn stars. Even at the age of 12, girls are dancing for men for money. In 2008, a sixth grader was stripping at Diamonds Cabaret, an all-nude strip club in Dallas's red light district. This story ran in Newsweek:

"After running away from home in the suburbs for at least the fourth time in a year, the sixth-grader needed a place to stay. David Bell, 22, and Demonica Abron, 28, a Diamonds Cabaret dancer whose stage name is "Jewels," allegedly told the child she could stay with them in Dallas—as long as she earned her keep. First Bell tried to make the girl work as a prostitute, according to police reports, but she refused. Instead Bell drove her to Diamonds, a BYOB strip club he frequented in a dilapidated office park next to a business that rents hot tubs by the hour.

The girl told the authorities that she lied about her age to a club manager and wasn't able to show proper identification. Police say the club's staff hired her anyway, after asking her to undress to prove that she wasn't too shy to dance nude for strangers. Diamonds Cabaret, where women perform vigorous routines on a stripper pole, features some of the raunchiest exotic dancing in Dallas. According to the account she gave the police, the girl lasted about a week and a half in November, working the stage amid flashing multicolored strobe lights and a pounding hip-hop soundtrack laced with obscene lyrics. She made as little as $100 a night, she told the authorities, and gave all her profits after paying the club fee to Bell and Abron, her "caretakers."

"You did good," Bell allegedly told the girl after one particularly lucrative shift, but, she says, he wanted more. Despite her protests, Bell drove her around Dallas forcing her to perform oral sex on him, she told the police. Back at the house, the girl says, she tried to escape, but Bell grabbed her hard by the arm and said she wasn't going anywhere. When he fell asleep she fled."

Diamonds Cabaret, the strip club, did not lose its business license and it still open.

Working in a strip club is not the paradise and party place that men like to imagine it to be.

A study of exotic dancers found that 100% had been physically assaulted in the clubs where they were employed, with a prevalence ranging from 3-15 times over the course of their involvement in exotic dancing. Violence included physical assault, attempted vaginal penetration, attempted rape,and rape (Holsopple, 1999).

In another study, 51.2% of women working as exotic dancers were threatened with a weapon (Raphael & Shapiro, 2004).

Here's what I have to say to all those men and women who think that strip clubs and porn are just fine: You need a reality check. Things aren't as rosy and innocent as you would like to believe. The majority of these women are victims and need help. We are all socially responsible for their welfare. We need to help them, not make things worse. By going to a strip club or buying porn, you are the oppressor. You continue to victimize women, and do so for your own pleasure. If that isn't misogyny, I don't know what is.

Catcalls: So stupid only a caveman would do it

Article contributed by Stephanie Mathieu, a journalist and fellow feminist

This column originally ran the summer of 2007 in The Daily News, Longview, Wash.

This is Stephanie's first contribution to the blog, but definitely not the last. She has a lot of progressive thoughts about gender equality and I am sure she will love to share them.






Catcalls: So stupid only a caveman would do it

I never took the time to respond. Until now.

Many women experience it every day: The men who, as they pass us on the street, leer, honk and holler from the cowardly comfort of their vehicles.

But last month, two make antagonists I encountered made a crucial mistake. Instead of directing come-ons at me from a car, they sat on the porch of an Old Westside home.

“Hey, sexy!” Lookin’ good!”

Once again, I was an accidental and unwilling player in the male-dominated sport of “catcalling,” a sad grasp for power.

Experts who study gender say disrespectful behavior toward women helps create a culture of violence in which our sisters, mothers, daughters, aunts, grandmothers and nieces become acceptable targets of sexual assault.

For example, a 2001 study conducted at Rutgers University in New Jersey found that in some male-dominated settings, such as athletics, the use of derogatory language to describe women was not only acceptable, it gave men a “sense of privilege and entitlement” to rape.

Catcalling is verbal abuse, an indefensible practice that objectifies and demeans its subjects, adding to the growing culture of disrespect and violence.

Every time catcalling occurs, it leaves me feeling self-conscious, humiliated, slightly fearful and, mostly, enraged.

In most instances when it happens, my harassers hit the gas and get away before I can summon adequate words of protest. Often, I’m left shouting choice words these men can’t hear, or shaking my head, a fist or a middle finger.

I’ve even tried to make excuses:

“Lighten up,” I’d think. “He is complimenting you,” or “they are only trying to flirt.”

Really?

If men truly believe they can earn the affections of women by hurling insults at them while zooming past on the street, the state should implement IQ tests for drivers’ licenses, then start revoking more than a few.

Such men, much like those who sexually harass, batter and rape, do so out of insecurity or to assert power over someone.

On this particular day, I’d had enough.

Like the fictional “Seinfeld” character George Costanza, who in one notable episode flies from New York to Ohio to deliver an overdue comeback, I turned on my heals and headed down the sidewalk toward the catcallers.

They looked confused as I approached. One pointed to his buddy and said, “It was him.” The other sheepishly said, “He thinks you’re hot,” as if it were an apology. They both appeared to be in their late 20s.

“I did not appreciate that,” I said from about 10 feet away. “That was very disrespectful.”

As I walked away, prepared to count this incident as a rare victory – Stephanie-the-feminist: 1, Male-dominated society: 1 bazillion – I heard the classic, salacious wolf whistle from my “admirers.”

Oh, well. It all goes to show that social change is difficult. It takes more than one young woman with an ax to grind. But here are a few suggestions:

To catcallers: Lay off. Your harassing drive-by gazes, honks, whistle and words do not make you a man. They make you a Neanderthal.

To women who enjoy catcalls: Wake up. These men clearly are not applauding your winning personality or intelligence and probably not even your appearance.

To women who share my frustrations: Protest. If presented with opportunities, and it’s safe to do so, assertively confront your harassers.

Of course, these guys might very well continue their inappropriate behavior.

But your protest could make them think twice the next time they start to honk at a pedestrian, just because she is female, and just because she has a pulse.