Cosmo's rules for being a great girlfriend

Every woman knows, keeping your man happy is an important job, even if it means sacrificing your own needs to please him. We must bend over backwards for our boyfriends, so they will like us, be faithful, and if we are lucky, they will one day marry us.

To be a good girlfriend, we must shed our own personalities, and adapt to whatever our boyfriend wants us to be. But how do we do that? Well, it's easy. Just follow Cosmo's rules for being a "good girlfriend." These rules were advertised on MSN lifestyle, so that every woman who visits MSN can benefit from this advice.

Good Girlfriend Behavior: Do This, Not That
By Bethany Heitman

Every girl knows the golden relationship rules — like tell your guy how great he makes you feel, not how amazing your ex was. But there are other guidelines that aren't so obvious. Behold, the ultimate cheat sheet for being a great girlfriend.

Hanging with the Guys
Do This: Watch the game with his friends.Spending an afternoon on the couch with his pals says you're easygoing and cool … and he'll appreciate your making an effort to get to know his boys.
Do you like watching the game? No? Doesn't matter. He will like it, so that's what counts. But remember, never ask him to go shopping with you and your friends. You might appreciate it, but he will just be bored, and it's all about him.

Not That: Cheer really loudly, chug beers, or tell off-color jokes.Let's put it this way: It's really hard for him to be sexually attracted to someone who reminds him of his buddies.
Heaven forbid you act like this. This behavior is strictly reserved for males only! We must stay in our feminine gender roles! Ladies can't chug beer and tell jokes. Well, they can, but it's nasty. And no guy will be attracted to you. You must be a dainty little lady.

Giving Him Gifts
Do This: Buy him tickets.Present him with two tickets to see his favorite team or band and you'll win major points for being thoughtful and creative.
Win major points? Anything to win major points with my man. This will make him like me more, right?

Not That: Get him a sweater.He gets plenty of clothes from his mom. And you don't want him to associate you with her, do you? Didn't think so.
This is will not win you major points. Does it matter that it was something you picked out yourself, because you were being thoughtful and thought he might like it? Nah. Doesn't matter. He won't appreciate it. Let his mom be the one to disappoint him. He wants tickets. He won't be happy with any other gift. And yes, this applies to all men.

Leaving Stuff at His Place
Do This: "Forget" your necklace.Leave behind a pretty, delicate piece of jewelry (such as a little gold necklace) and he'll think of you in similar terms every time he sees it.
Of course! We want our man to think of us as delicate piece of jewelry. And we want him to remember we exist. He will forget all about us the second we leave, unless...we purposely leave our belongings over so he's forced to remember that we were there.

Not That: Leave a toothbrush in his bathroom.An unsolicited toothbrush or other toiletry will give him the impression you're moving too fast — and may freak him out.
Ugh- we wouldn't want our man to think we desired a commitment or anything. We move as slow as he wants. He doesn't want to even think about committing to just one woman. That freaks him out. We'll wait for him. As long as he needs.

Sending Him Texts
Do This: Type "Last night was amazing. Repeat 2night?"Keeping your message short and provocative will ensure he stays totally intrigued.
Keeping your messages air-headed and shallow will definitely allure to him. And don't forget the sexual innuendos. Without those, he won't be interested. He likes his text messages like he likes his women- dumb and slutty.

Not That: Send a message that's more than two sentences.To him, texting is for quick communication. Sending him a novel is analogous to a droning phone call.
That's right- he's not interested in what's on your mind. He doesn't really care what you have to say. He just wants the two-liner, mindless, provocative texts. Anything longer than two lines is a novel to him. And it reminds him of those droning phone calls you two have- the ones where you talk about your life, he pretends to listen, and he wants to shoot his brains out. You would never want to subject him to such torture, right?

Displaying PDA
Do This: Give him a quick kiss.He'll feel proud in front of his buddies if you give him a subtly sexy signal, like pecking him on the cheek or holding on to his arm as you walk.
We must boost his ego in front of his buddies. It's our job.

Not That: Be all over him.Dudes want to appear tough in public, so if you're always sitting on his lap or trying to make out with him, he'll feel uncomfortable.
We should never expect affection in public from our man. It's not manly. He wants to be the big, masculine boyfriend, and this means acting like he's not really into you while in public. But he really does care. Just not in front of other people.

Wearing Lingerie
Do This: Wear a matching lace bra and underwear.Sets that come in white or pastel colors — think lavender or light pink — give him a little peek at what's in store while you still look feminine and innocent.
Men who care nothing about receiving clothing as gifts sure care a lot about what color your lingerie is. He would likely be disappointed if he saw you wearing a black bra and panties. He has his heart set on pastel pink, because that makes you look virginal and innocent- the way a good woman should look. Never mind those provocative 2-liner texts you sent him earlier. He forgot all about how sexual you were as soon as he saw your pink bra. You have successfully transformed yourself into an innocent virgin- just what he likes.

Not That: Wear something he needs an engineering degree to get off of you.Teddies and little nighties with ties, buckles, and bows are hot, but he'll be too busy trying to figure out how to get you out of it to notice how amazing you look.
Don't ever make your man work for it. It's all about easy access. He needs to be able to take it off quickly. The sooner you are naked, the better. Lingerie with ties is so complex, you can't expect him to be smart enough to figure it out. He's doesn't have an engineering degree, after all!

Visiting His Parents
Do This: Bring them something homemade.Showing up with freshly baked oatmeal-raisin cookies shows you spent time thinking about them instead of just swinging by the store. Plus, his mom will be thrilled her son's babe can bake.
Impressing his mother is a must! And she wants him to be with a domestic babe! Prove you are domestic and win her over. If you don't bake, you better start learning.

Not That: Bestow flowers or anything pricey.Fresh-cut flowers require the hostess to duck into the kitchen to arrange them, and over-the-top gifts (such as a crazy-expensive bottle of wine or a crystal vase) are, well, over the top.
Remember, his mother is like him. He doesn't appreciate the thought behind the gift, he only appreciates the gift if it's something he wants. His mother doesn't want anything over the top, she just wants baked goods that prove you are domestic, so she can comfortably accept the relationship. She wouldn't feel right about her son being with someone who doesn't bake.

Going Away for the Weekend
Do This: Go to the beach or the mountains.In the beginning of a relationship, take an adventure-based trip, like going surfing or snowboarding. The adrenaline rush will boost your bond, and a built-in activity safeguards against awkward downtime.
Aah, this one isn't too bad.

Not That: Check in to a sleepy bed and breakfast.Staring at each other over fresh coffee and croissants and going antiquing all day may sound romantic to you, but these kinds of esoteric activities bore most men to death.
OK, this is more like it. Back to the basics. Do everything he wants to do. But you want to go antiquing all day? Too bad. He doesn't want to, and we do what he wants, remember? We watch football on the couch with his friends, because that will please him. But don't expect him to do something you like. That's just rude and unladylike.

Women's liberation vs. sexual revolution

I've noticed there are two sides to the feminist coin. One side believes that women should not be treated like sex objects. Stripping, porn, and prostitution are all degrading acts that are for purposes of sexually pleasing men. And women are not male playthings. Women are whole people, not sexual entertainers. The pioneers of feminism subscribe to this belief. The Women's Liberation Movement in the 60's fought for female sexual liberation, but this didn't mean women kissing each other just so other men could get off. It meant revolting against conservative, traditional ideas of sex. It meant thinking about reproductive rights and gay rights and the idea that sex is natural, beautiful, and spiritual experience. And that people don't have to be married to have sex. And that sex is pleasurable, and women are allowed to enjoy sex.

Now, there is the other side, who also call themselves feminists, and are strong supporters of women's right to flaunt their sexuality. Women have the right to strip and sell sex. Women have the right to use their bodies for profit. Strong women are not afraid of sex. This is what a lot of modern day "feminists" subscribe to. Hugh Hefner considers himself a feminist.

The latter side is bogus. It's a sickening way to encourage women to please men, and call it "liberating." But what is liberating about grinding on men for money? What is liberating about having men look at you as a sex object? What is liberating about women doing everything under the sun to please men? (By this I mean: making coffee in bikinis, serving chicken wings in low cut tops, cutting men's hair in super tight clothes, cleaning men's houses in lingerie, playing football in lingerie, etc.) And what is liberating about women going to strip clubs to see other women selling themselves for male gratification? What is liberating about a man actually purchasing a woman's body, and sleeping with her for his own pleasure? Using her as a disposable object?

Women going to any length to please men is not liberation. It's repulsive. And it's sad that society has accepted and encouraged women to behave this way. When will women be treated as human beings, and not as sex toys? How did feminism get mixed up with satisfying men's sexual needs? How did strippers and prostitutes become the face of enlightened and empowered women?

Hello! These sexual acts are to please men! There is nothing feminist about that. Women don't need to be ashamed of their sexuality, but at the same time, women SHOULD NOT have to prove they are empowered and liberal by becoming a male sex toy. Women can be sexually liberated without being sex objects. Women who are against the objectification of women are not prudes- they are women of pride. They are real feminists.

The Bloodhound Gang thinks child slaves forced into stripping and prostitution is funny

A friend and I went to a karaoke bar about a week ago. As we were flipping through the song book, there was a page that listed all of the new songs that had just been recently added to the karaoke selection. On the page was a song we had never heard of- "Lap Dance Is So Much Better When the Stripper Is Crying" by The Bloodhound Gang. As soon as we read the song title, we were shocked. How could this really be a song?

The title was SO offensive, I figured that the song couldn't actually be about strippers crying. I thought that it just had to be a random, offensive title, that was completely unrelated to what the song was about. I mean, who would actually write a song about strippers crying? And how would that song be so popular that it made it to karaoke right away?

I knew that this group had a track record of being disgusting, crude, and offensive. Their first single, "The Bad Touch," was laced with vulgar lines(i.e., "So put your hands down my pants and I'll bet you'll feel nuts"). And the name of their CD is "Hooray For Boobies." The group is basically very sophomoric, and these guyys probably flirt with girls by being mean to them, and they probably laugh when they hear the word boob.

Even though the group is low, I didn't think it was that low. No way would it write a song about lap dances being better when the stripper cries. No way would a record label even allow such a song to be released to the public, or even recorded in the first place. And no way would society embrace this song. There would have been a big uproar of some kind when this song was released if it was really about the entertainment one gets when strippers crying during lap dances.

So I decided to look up the lyrics, just to make sure.

Unfortunately, I had given everyone too much credit. The title is representative of what the entire song is about. And nobody seems to have a problem with this. WTF? What kind of a sick world am I living in?!?

Take a look at a few of the lyrics.

(chorus)
Yes, a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'
Yes, a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'
Well I find it's quite a thrill
When she grinds me against her will
Yes a lap dance is so much better when the stripper is cryin'

Said her name was Bambi and I said, "Well that's a coincidence darlin',
'cause I was just thinkin' about skinnin' you like a deer."

Well, ten beers, twenty minutes and thirty dollars later
I'm parkin' the beef bus in tuna town if you know what I mean.
Got to nail her back at her trailer.
Heh. That rhymes.
I have to admit it was even more of a turn-on
when I found out she was doin' me to buy baby formula.

Day or so had passed when I popped the clutch,
gave the tranny a spin and slid on into
The Stinky Pinky Gulp N' Guzzle Big Rig Snooze-A-Stop.
There I was browsin' through the latest issue of "Throb",
when I saw Bambi starin' at me from the back of a milk carton.
Well, my heart just dropped.
So, I decided to do what any good Christian would.
You can not imagine how difficult it is to hold a half gallon of moo juice
and polish the one-eyed gopher when your doin' seventy-five in an eighteen-wheeler.
I never thought missing children could be so sexy.
Did I say that out loud?

WHAT? PEOPLE THINK THIS SONG IS FUNNY? Children working at strip clubs...having sex with men to buy baby food...children crying when they have to give adult men lap dances and grind the men against their will...men looking at the child stripper's "missing" picture on the back of a milk carton and masturbating to it...and an adult male saying, "I never thought missing children could be so sexy."

There is no possible way to defend this song, unless you are child molesting pervert that is seriously sick in the head.

If The Bloodhoung Gang ever comes to Seattle, I will be on the picket lines.

Note: If you are under the impression that I think this group is completely serious, read my comment.

I don't think there is a music video for this song (thank goodness), but you can listen to it here: